December 7th, 2014 I started my last cycle on Clomid. I took the five days of pills and went through the painful sex and the hot flashes and the mood swings and I lost hope. I was praying and asking God to bless us with a family but inside I was loosing hope and I was so thankful that I was going to be done with this drug because I knew I was trapped somewhere inside myself and this bitch of a women and wife for that matter was making a nasty appearance. Truthfully I was wondering if a baby was worth all this? I didn’t enjoy the person who appeared and yelled and cried to my husband on a regular basis. I didn’t like feeling the way I did. I try to be a sweet, loving and caring person and on this medication I was not that person. I love my husband dearly but during these last 4 months I have not shown him that as much as I should have and for lack of better words it wasn’t my fault. I couldn’t control the beast inside me. It was rage and anger sprinkled with depression…

On December 16th I went for my mid cycle ultrasound, I had one large egg and one tiny one that may be mature enough by the time I ovulated. I had to set up a consultation with the doctor because we were done with Clomid after 4 cycles, that is all the office recommended and if this cycle didn’t give us a baby. Well, we had to have a new plan. So I waited my two weeks, and we had sex every other day as prescribed and again I knew. I felt the cramps and next thing I know here she is knocking on my door again.

December 18th we met with the doctor to talk about options if this cycle didn’t prove to be successful. They want to put me on new meds and give me an injection to help induce ovulation and send me up to Grand Rapids and do artificial insemination. Now for me that was a lot to take in and for the rational person in me that was a lot more money. So we tell them that we’re going to go home and talk it over and think on it. Well it’s been two months and part of me wants this to happen the normal old fashion way. Like why the hell can a drunk high school teenager making a bad choice get pregnant on the first try and here I am having to pay loads of money to MAYBE, YES MAYBE get a baby. It’s ridiculous the way the world works.

January we decided we wanted to try the silly legs in the air thing. I’ve been reading baby forums, two-week wait forums, early signs of pregnancy forums, you name it and I’ve probably found it on google at least once. I saw on some of these forums that some women had been trying for months, maybe years and they swore that if you held your legs in the air for 15 minutes after sex during the week of ovulation that you were sure to get pregnant. So we laughed and said what the hell. So every other day during the month of January and then again in the month of February I was holding my legs up in the air for at least 15 minutes after sex. We found ourselves positioned to watch tv shows together after sex while I held up my legs. Both times it was a BFN though.

February was the hardest, Valentine’s day would have a been lovely for an announcement to my husband that we finally did it. I longed to go to the store and buy those little red baby booties and wrap them up in valentine’s paper so I could surprise him with an announcement…I got my period instead. Much more appropriate don’t you think..? Ha…

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