I feel hopeful but hopeless. I feel happy but I’m sad.. I feel like we can but we can’t… Today I’m struggling…

I sure you all have felt like you can’t do it anymore. I feel that way. I like to joke with people we’ve talked to about our journey to conceive and say that maybe all along we’ve been doing it wrong, but it’s not funny today…today it sucks. I’ve never wanted something so bad that I don’t feel happy for others. A few weeks ago one of my best friends announced her pregnancy. You’d think as a good friend that I would be overly delighted for them. I’m not…I’m simply not happy for them at all. I think to myself all the wrong things. I wonder how someone so not together with their lives could just “fall” into pregnancy when I’m married, in love, I have a home and I can’t start a family. I hate it, I hate that I’m not happy for someone I care about and I hate that I can’t do what a women is suppose to do. It’s simply bullshit!!! I just want to scream and cry all at the same time…

Today is the start of my ovulation cycle. I should ovulate here in the next couple days. I want to be so excited that it’s a new day, a new month, a new cycle, a new chance. I’m struggling to be hopeful and struggling to be optimistic. Maybe I just need some ice cream and a good movie, but eventually you just get to that point where you don’t know if it’s set in your stars to have this. I feel like I’m questioning a lot more lately. I don’t see myself as an overly religious person but I think, I wonder. If I was more religious would I have been pregnant by now? You know? Do you ever wonder if you would have done or not done something if things would pan out differently for you now? Or if you were never meant to start a family or if you just were not suppose to have kids of your own? I don’t feel this every day but today I do…

A new cycle is a good thing though…I know this. I tell myself this. Tomorrow will be better I’m sure but today is not good. I’ll probably cuddle up with my husband tonight and maybe even cry a little. Tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning. This week I need baby dust and then comes that horrible two-week wait. So for now we will do lots of the fun stuff and hopefully as we progress through this week and then into the next two weeks I’ll have some positive news.


14 thoughts on “Today I feel….

  1. So sorry to hear that you’re feeling like this. You’re absolutely right, all of us on this journey have days like this, so please don’t beat yourself up over it. As you say, have a good cry, watch a good movie and know that tomorrow will be a bit better. Sending lots of love xx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I feel your pain. The wait is almost painful. Trying to congratulate those around me who are pregnant without trying seems like a daunting task. But this time is so worth the end result!

    On the journey with you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is so hard to say I’m so happy for you when they didn’t even try. I hate hearing that it was an accident but we will be okay and I’m like oh…I want an accident. But you’re right! The end result is what the prize is and I can’t wait to have it!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. 1 year naturally we made the decision two months ago to try with doctor assistance. I’m on cycle two of clomid. It didn’t work the first cycle but I am on day 3 of tracking ovulation, I’ve never wanted a blinking smile so bad in my life. Remaining hopeful!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. It becomes very hard to remain hopeful sometimes. I started my blog to reach out to people and hopefully be able to talk to new friends about this. So yes! Remain hopeful! Sending baby dust your way and reach out to me if you need to! πŸ™‚


      3. Thank you! I did the same I created it 8 months ago but started posted this week. It’s awfully hard to go through alone. My husband is great but I need people in the same boat! And thank you πŸ™‚ I sure will!

        Liked by 1 person

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