Alone and helpless is how I feel tonight. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it. The feelings that get mixed up in a marriage when you suffer through infertility is sometimes the hardest things to deal with. Being honest with your spouse and yourself, that’s the hardest thing for me. Mostly being honest with myself. I struggle on a daily basis on if I’m really okay this week, I struggle with the signs my body gives me and I struggle with being hopeful for the future. However, the last two weeks have taken an extreme toll on me, which in turn affects my marriage. I’ve been lying to myself and trying to pretend like I don’t care. That it doesn’t bother me every single day that so far I have been unable to make us into a family. I have been pretending that it’s okay that we’ve been trying for over two years and I’m not terrified of starting IUI because what’s next? NOTHING! If the IUI doesn’t work than there is a huge possibility that we will NEVER have our own baby…that’s not saying that if we adopt that I wouldn’t love that baby as my own but there is a difference. I want to experience pregnancy, for real. I want to feel my baby kick inside of me and I want to feel like I’m glowing even if it comes with the worst symptoms because anything would be better than the pain that I feel in my heart. The emptiness and longing for the growth of my family. I know this is a sad post but I just needed to vent. To let it out and put my heart on my sleeve. I know all of you have been in my shoes in one way or another. The feelings that we all feel about pregnancy loss or it just never happening. It’s hard and it takes a toll on you and your life and no matter how hard I try to pretend, Aunt Flow will continually be a constant reminder of how my body failed me and my husband yet again this month. How this week we will try and hope for a baby during ovulation in the next few days and then hope and wait for a sign of her being late so that I would actually have a reason to take a test. But it’s late…thanks for reading and/or listening. ❤

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2 thoughts on “Struggling but breathing.

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