3 years…36 months…156 weeks…1,095 days…

No matter how you look at it…it’s the milestone we have reached this month. 3 whole years of trying to become a family…I remember stopping my birth control and taking the plunge into family life. I remember discussing with my future husband how many kids we thought we would have one day. I remember the simplicity of everything, the naive thoughts of how this should be something easy and we would never have to worry because the bad had already happened. We had an unplanned pregnancy very early on in our relationship, 5 and a half years ago at this point. It unfortunately ended in a miscarriage at 9 weeks and then a D&C. We were going to have a boy, I know this because of all the tests ran on my unborn baby. They never had a reason as to why it happened, just that it did. We accepted it as God’s will and moved on with life, thinking that it wasn’t our time and things would be fine when we had decided to be parents. At that point in my life I would have NEVER thought I would be where I am today. 3 years ago I was anticipating waking up one day and realizing that I was late and oh my it was finally happening.  That never happened though….we never got pregnant and we still are not….Due to our commitment to starting a family my adoring husband asked for my hand in marriage that following March. I was so happy! Things were perfect! My only fear was that maybe I would be super pregnant when we tied the knot but again…that never happened. After we wed it had been a year and 7 months of trying. We had an appointment set for the fertility center. An exam, lots of questions and 4 rounds of Clomid and nothing. We took a break, planned a vacation, celebrated a year of being married…and now here we are.

Today is cycle day 1 of my 4th IUI. My doctor has told us we will do 6 total and it’s best to try all in one go. Mathematically I’ve convinced myself that our odds are now lower because we have less chances so the probability is less. I know that realistically that is wrong because pregnancy happens on it’s time and it’s clock. In two days I’ll start another round of Femera and then in 8 days I’ll wake up every morning to pee on a stick. My extremely regular cycle will give us a positive on CD 13 and then on CD 14 we will drive across the bottom of Michigan and drop off a specimen sample at 7:30am and then go for an insemination at approximately 11am in the morning.  I will be sleep deprived and anxious but we will have a nice drive, watch the sunrise and eat breakfast together.

It’s all timed to the T. I am so damn regular in my cycle that I am willing to bet money on when things will happen. SO WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MY BODY?  My husband’s count is high, everything else is fine. So that leaves me…I’m struggling, more than ever. Maybe it’s the decreasing time line…because really…what’s next? I try not to think about it. We still have 3 cycles left…but what if…? That’s my question and no one knows but God. I’m trying to have faith but it’s so hard to keep pushing when I feel like I’m loosing hope…I wish that someone could tell me why this is happening. Why we have to try so hard when things are so right. Why my body is regular as it possibly could be and things are “perfect” but yet we still can’t even get pregnant. Why I’ve been able to be pregnant twice in my life so far but now that I want to be a mom and have a family with the man I love I can’t even get pregnant, at all. Why my body can’t do what it was made to effing do….Seriously? What The Fuck….

I know this is long and slightly all over the place but I needed to just say it. To write it, to process it, to try and regain myself and to definitely have love and support from people who get it…We all have bad days but for some reason, this one is increasingly bad. The next three cycles will greatly impact our lives. If we do get pregnant, YAY! If not…then what? IVF? Surrogacy?  A gestational carrier? Adoption? So many options and so much money….As is we’ve already invested so much into the IUI’s…

I will keep you all in the loop as we go through the next couple months. Thank you for the support and inspiration! Sending love, hugs and baby dust as we start another new year! ❤

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