Blarggg Rawr Ughhhhh

So I’m suppose to start my period tomorrow, took a test today, basically because I can and naturally it was negative. Now I mostly knew already that it was going to be negative just because of how I feel but I did it anyways. So here we are about to start our 6th and final IUI. That’s terrifying!!! What if this last one doesn’t work? What does that say for our future??? Will we ever have kids of our own? Are we not suppose to? Is this God’s plan? I have so many emotions running through my brain…

My husband truly is the sweetest man…he’s been there for me all day. When it was negative this morning he stayed home a little longer than normal just to let me cry on him. I love this man dearly and I want so badly to have a family with him. We went to lunch together today and it was really nice. Gave us an opportunity to talk a little about what we think we want to do if this one doesn’t work. We talked about adoption and about gestational surrogacy. Problem with either of these options is the $$$ involved with them. As I had stated in one of my previous posts I was essentially ruled out of IVF due to this not working and not being a good candidate because I’ve been pregnant before twice in my life….why I can’t be pregnant now who freaking knows……………

So here I am…waiting and hoping that maybe someone out there has some advice or words of wisdom on either of these things?? Anyone have some thoughts on adoption or GS? My husband is leaning more towards the GS with having his younger sister do it. We have not talked to her about it yet but I’m pretty positive she would do it because she’s been one of our biggest supporters and she has one of her own right now. I’m on the fence really, adoption would be fine but it doesn’t give me any of the experience and the person can really back out at any time and it’s not our baby. I know it would be our baby but it’s not our baby…. GS would be okay too, I would get to have a biological child and I could be there for every single appointment and really be part of the pregnancy but part of me thinks that would be harder yet because I have to watch someone else get to do what I want to do with my baby.

Honestly, any advice, wisdom, kind words, anything is appreciated at this point!