You know what I think is the hardest thing if life? Being honest with yourself. You can lie to other people every day about what you think or how you feel. You can say yeah I’m fine to everyone around you but at what point in time do you actually say no, I’m not fine dammit and that’s okay? Why is it so easy to put a fake mask on and go through life barely hanging on on the inside but when people ask how things are going we just lie? Why is it so hard to accept that life sucks for every body sometimes but theoretically it won’t always be this way..?
As I sit here eating Ben and Jerry ice cream, cookie dough of course, and sob on my husband’s shoulder I think I have come to a realization that it’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to not be okay, to not be fine, to not be happy all the fucking time. It’s okay that I have faltered in my relationship with God, it’s okay that I’m week and brittle right now. It’s okay that I’m jealous of my best friend, it’s okay that I feel the way that I do because these feeling make me who I am, they make me human and they make me real!
A lot of things have been going on in my life but I’m hoping with fingers crossed that they will begin to look up again soon. My husband’s disease is at an all time high, his body can’t do what it’s meant to do and I’ll tell you what, it’s fucking awfully sad to have to sit by his side and watch him suffer and truly all I can offer is love and pharmaceuticals……. 😦 And it’s okay that it breaks my heart to see this!
We just celebrated 2 years of marriage! Yay! ❤ Praying for many more happy years to come!
Other things are financial issues, as said above my husband’s disease is eating him alive, that being said, he can’t work, that being said, bills don’t always get paid, but we have a home, a lot of support and food. So it is what it is, and again, it’s okay that I cry when I feel like we’re not going to make it…
As we were going through treatments I began to point fingers at God, I feel punished for not being able to have kids of my own. I, along with many other people in this world, should not have to try this hard to have a family. With that I became the most cynical person I could be, I am unhappy and I am not okay. It feels amazing to say that, now if I can just say it out loud to the people who want to be there for me. I AM NOT OKAY! And that’s okay….
I probably should head to bed soon since we have church in the morning. I met with the Pastor last week to talk about getting back with my faith. I actually felt really inspired at the end of our talk and I’m happy to say that we are back in church and I’m hoping that that small shred of hope with help pull me through.
With love ❤