All the changes!

All the changes!

So insurance approved the Lupron, I was able to pick it up from the pharmacy last night. Now to just wait until Aunt Flow arrives for the month and then we get to start injections. I joined a FP page to talk to other women about there personal experiences on it and how they handled the side effects. Most of them said that the hot flashes and night sweats are the worst but I’m hoping that after going through Clomid treatments that I can handle that. The one thing that feels weird is having to use contraceptives, we have to actually use condoms! How’s that for weird after trying for the last 3 and a half years? And let me tell you, the hubs is not happy that he has to use them HAHA!

We have more news though!!!! We took the first step in becoming licensed foster parents on Friday!!! We did the orientation and now we have to fill out the application but we have started the process and we’re so excited! We talked and talked and talked about it but we know we can’t afford to adopt an infant and we want so badly to become parents so if this the only way we can do it then this is what we’re doing! We hope to give a permanent home to a baby who can’t stay with their parents anymore.

And lastly I feel that I should add that we moved! We are in our own small place out in the country and the peacefulness of it all is worth the extra drive.

So two big things are happening in our lives, one for starting these treatments and two for becoming parents, even if it’s an unconventional way!

Wish us luck on our journey! And as always love and baby dust to you all ❤

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Quick update for the night…

Quick update for the night…

Super tired but thought I would let my followers know that the appointment went well today. We are all systems go to start the Lupron, Doctor thinks I’m a great candidate. As soon as we hear back from the insurance company about the pre-op I will be starting. She wants to start as soon as my next period so hopefully they don’t take their sweet ass time approving me. Aunty Flow should be here in about two weeks. Fx for everything to go as planned and hopefully for some pain to go away in the process!

Sacrifices to my uterus…

Sacrifices to my uterus…

I’m getting close to the in-between time of the month. You know, the time where normal people ovulate and have babies? Yeahhhh….well my time is calculated by pain and the reminder that I have a broken body and it won’t make babies. You know the problem with trying to not think about having babies, or take a break as I have put it before? IT DOESN’T WORK!!!! Everywhere you go, everything you do and everyone you see is a constant reminder of your inability to make babies. Not to mention, twice a month I have a painful reminder that my insides are fucking broken…. So here we are, I’m getting ready to ovulate. I know this not because I’m testing but because my broken ass body makes me feel it, before, during and not to mention a little afterwords as well. And then of course in about two weeks I will feel it all over again to remind me that I definitely didn’t conceive this month, and give me a hellish period, and then we will start the process all over again…and again………and yet again……….

The best comfort I get from all of this is ice cream, pain killers, and sweat pants…AKA my sacrifices to my uterus. The two times a cycle that I do whatever the fuck I want and eat whatever the fuck I want and I usually cry like hell. The unfortunate part of all this is I have lost all of my motivation to go the gym, I did lose 20 pounds a few months ago but I’ve gained it all back. I have no motivation because I feel like I’m getting worse. I finally go see the doctor Monday. I’m really hoping that we can get the ball rolling on these injections. I just want to get it started so that I can get some relief. I joined an online FB group for Endo. I reached out and asked some ladies about their personal experiences with Lupron. I really do think it’s the best choice for me at this point. I do so badly hope to have kids one day. So without removing my parts to make that happen, I don’t have a whole lot of other options. It’s sad that we don’t have more options but at this point I will take whatever I can get.

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I hope you all have a wonderful weekend with your loves and I will keep you posted on what the doctor says Monday. Wish me luck, as always sending baby dust to you all..

Why Me…?

Why Me…?

I know I took a small break there, I thought if I stopped writing that maybe my problems wouldn’t be my problems anymore…that didn’t work. Anyways, if you didn’t know, September is National Pain Awareness Month. It’s probably one of the only awareness months that actually applies to several people. It’s not just endo sufferers or AS sufferers. It’s not of my pain is worse than yours. It’s putting aside your label and acknowledging that you have chronic pain and so do I and so do a whole bunch of people out there. Hell, some people don’t even know why they have pain………….

So why me?

Why am I one of the 1 in 8? Why am I another person who suffers from chronic pain, mind you not in just one way..Why do I have to have a broken heart every month when my period comes and then feel unrelenting pain on top of it? Why is this happening to me???

There is the million dollar question…One that I’m sure several people ask every day. I know my husband unfortunately is one of them as well. So why us?

I have been doing a lot of reading, and I mean a lot of reading and I made the decision today to call my doctor and start the process for Lupron. I’ve read the bad and I’ve read the good and I feel like I’m ready for it if it will help ease this pain. It’s more than just around my period, it’s half a week before my period, during my period, a little after my period and then again right before ovulation and of course during…it’s awful. From what I can see it can’t be much worse than Clomid and that was damn horrible so if I can survive that, I can do this! I’m a women, I’m a sufferer and I’m a fighter!

Part of my reading lead me to a statistic that gave me some hope on top of everything negative. It said that 85% of women who complete the 6 months of Lupron get pregnant after the first year off of it. Now naturally I’m very hesitant to put any hope into that, and I mean ANY. But if I can fight the pain and maybe end up pregnant, well I won’t complain.

Anyways, downfall is I have to wait for insurance to approve the shot treatments. So if it doesn’t get approved then it’s on to another plan. Fx for some good news.

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The hardest thing in my life…

The hardest thing in my life…

You know what I think is the hardest thing if life? Being honest with yourself. You can lie to other people every day about what you think or how you feel. You can say yeah I’m fine to everyone around you but at what point in time do you actually say no, I’m not fine dammit and that’s okay? Why is it so easy to put a fake mask on and go through life barely hanging on on the inside but when people ask how things are going we just lie? Why is it so hard to accept that life sucks for every body sometimes but theoretically it won’t always be this way..?

As I sit here eating Ben and Jerry ice cream, cookie dough of course, and sob on my husband’s shoulder I think I have come to a realization that it’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to not be okay, to not be fine, to not be happy all the fucking time. It’s okay that I have faltered in my relationship with God, it’s okay that I’m week and brittle right now. It’s okay that I’m jealous of my best friend, it’s okay that I feel the way that I do because these feeling make me who I am, they make me human and they make me real!

A lot of things have been going on in my life but I’m hoping with fingers crossed that they will begin to look up again soon. My husband’s disease is at an all time high, his body can’t do what it’s meant to do and I’ll tell you what, it’s fucking awfully sad to have to sit by his side and watch him suffer and truly all I can offer is love and pharmaceuticals……. 😦 And it’s okay that it breaks my heart to see this!

We just celebrated 2 years of marriage! Yay! ❤ Praying for many more happy years to come!

Other things are financial issues, as said above my husband’s disease is eating him alive, that being said, he can’t work, that being said, bills don’t always get paid, but we have a home, a lot of support and food. So it is what it is, and again, it’s okay that I cry when I feel like we’re not going to make it…

As we were going through treatments I began to point fingers at God, I feel punished for not being able to have kids of my own. I, along with many other people in this world, should not have to try this hard to have a family.  With that I became the most cynical person I could be, I am unhappy and I am not okay. It feels amazing to say that, now if I can just say it out loud to the people who want to be there for me. I AM NOT OKAY! And that’s okay….

I probably should head to bed soon since we have church in the morning. I met with the Pastor last week to talk about getting back with my faith. I actually felt really inspired at the end of our talk and I’m happy to say that we are back in church and I’m hoping that that small shred of hope with help pull me through.

With love ❤

A letter to my best friend….

A letter to my best friend….

Dear best friend….

My heart is over joyed for you and your new found happiness in holding a baby inside you. I’m so happy for you in my heart that I cannot put words on paper to share with you how much I hope and pray that your baby is happy and healthy and your pregnancy goes smoothly and just fast enough for you to enjoy every moment with your precious package.

Unfortunately even with my overwhelming joy for you I also have an overwhelming feeling of jealously… I wish I could explain to you how that feels. I knew this day would come, the day you told me you were trying I knew one day you would tell me that you went from trying to expecting. I tried to prepare for this day so I could show on my face the love I have for you in my heart but I’m afraid tonight my face failed me. My eyes showed my pain and my face gave you a half hearted smile. Just give me time to process dear friend, let my emotions catch up with my heart and allow me to still know and be apart of your life. Bare with me through your joy because I want to be there for you as you’ve always been there for me.

Time heals all wounds but this is a deep wound that hasn’t had enough time to heal. I’m only human and I don’t want you to feel ashamed around me. I want you to tell me everything just as we have always told each other everything in the past. Yes I do want to feel your belly and yes I would love to go baby shopping with you! No I don’t ever want you to feel like you can’t tell me something and I never ever want you to feel or go through what I go through on a regular basis. I pray every day for your happiness…all I ask is for a little time and some forgiveness when my face doesn’t always show what my heart wants to say.

Congratulations best friend! You deserve everything the world can give you ❤

Always here

K ❤

 

My Life Right Now.

My Life Right Now.

Isn’t it amazing how time flies by when you’re having fun? But then when you’re awake staring at the clock at 1:30 in the morning you realize how slow the seconds tic by… My last post was short but to the point. Yes we were referred for IVF and no we can’t afford it at this time. How have I been taking it? Not well at all to be honest. My emotions have been up and down and then more up and more down. Sometimes I think I can forget about having a family all together and other days it’s the only thing I want.

So we’ve come to long hard decision to wait. Why? The main reason is our financial situation, our only option right now is to finance the cost and it’s so ridiculous. Seriously, it’s 600 dollars a month, ready for this part, for SIX YEARS!!!! Who the hell has that kind of cash laying around for 6 years? Not me. My child would be in the kindergarten or first grade by the time I pay that loan off….not to mention children are expensive on their own so lets tack on an additional 600 dollar payment a month so you can’t afford to feed the one thing you want so damn badly.  Another option would be to do something like a GoFundMe page but I’m not really someone who puts it all out there and asks for donations, it makes me feel uncomfortable. So in a way that’s out of the question too.

A plus to all this is we’re young, I’m 23 and my hubs is 24. I just put in an application to go back to school and I’m going to try to focus on that for awhile. Also, we plan to buy a house next year when our lease is up, so I’m hoping to put savings up for that. Lastly, we’ve decided to spend all the extra money we have right now on making new memories together this summer. We have spent the last year on paying for fertility this and fertility that, do this, try that, buy this, pay for that, pee on this during these cycle days, pee on that before you begin your next round of meds….blah blah blah. So far this month we’ve spent every weekend together doing something fun and memorable. I can’t wait to see what the rest of the spring/summer has to offer. We have some plans in mind but other things are just up in the air. We are kind of just winging it and seeing where life takes us for now. I’m not giving up on Baby Yingling just yet, I’m just taking some time to refind my marriage and remember why we want a family. Not remember all the things I’ve peed on and all the times I’ve had someone else look at my or touch my lady bits. It will be a nice change to not have a doctor or a nurse exploring down there for awhile haha!!!!

I will try and give you guys updates as we have fun and I will of course be wishing you all baby dust and hope that someone out there gets some success in this terribly long journey to conceive! Good luck ladies!

As always