Parenthood happened overnight.

I’ve never been so tired in my life! But I’ve also never felt head over heals for such a sweet little girl. This weekend has been crazy. Between parenting times, normal life activities, and work…it’s been a busy couple of days. I called my mom last night and felt real accomplishment. I told her I’m super mom’ing it up tonight. I was feeding the baby dinner while eating with my left hand and some how managing to keep it all in our mouths! I also got all the laundry done and so far I feel like I’m staying sane. Aside from being massively tired. This whole new schedule change is taking it’s toll on me for sure. My husband stepped into his “daddy” role overnight. Hands down the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen. My heart melts when he holds her, soothes her or just talks to her. He has also been the biggest help. Anything I ask him for her jumps up to help me do and coming from a no child household I’m very thankful that I got a good one in all aspects. Well as I sit here pushing my work off and yawning I suppose I should probably do something productive and what I’m paid here to do. I just wanted to check in and let everyone know that our little princess is doing well and adjusting fine and so are we. ❤

We survived our first night!

Our little princess arrived at 5:10pm last night. After all the intake paperwork was filed out the case worker left and it was just us and her. Let me tell you that was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. She left and just entrusted us to care for this tiny human being with no idea what we’re doing! But we survived! We fed her and gave her a bottle and changed her and played with her and then when she got sleepy we got her all ready for bed and that’s when the screaming started. Holy cow she’s got some lungs but we persevered! We stayed calm and took turns and after awhile she fell asleep and thankfully slept through the night! She woke up at 7am, had her bottle and then breakfast and too my astonishment fell asleep right before 9 on her own! So I let her nap because I know this is all new and stressful for both of us. I actually had to wake her up at 10:50 so I could get her around for her overnight visit with her mom and dad. It feels weird not having her with me but her parents are nice and they worked hard to have those overnight visits so I’m happy for them. I got her all dressed cute for them and dropped her off at noon. Now hubby and I are spending some time together, I mean how many new parents get to have Saturday’s off! So that’s kind of nice, even if we only had her for a day. We pick her back up Sunday at noon and I’m looking forward to what this week with bring. 

❤

Life is happening and I can’t believe it!

Almost three weeks ago we were officially approved by the state of Michigan to be a licensed foster home! We couldn’t be any happier, or at least that’s what I thought. Now the true happiness is when I got the phone call yesterday asking if we would take in a little girl. So at 5 O’clock today we will meet our first foster placement! My heart is melting for a girl I’ve never even met. I love her unconditionally, I want to grin from ear to ear and cry at the same time. I went shopping last night because I couldn’t sleep and I probably spent too much money but I don’t even care. I didn’t think it was possible to feel this way and then again this is how I feel! I just wanted to post a quick update, I will probably start writing more again now that I have a new chapter opening up! Infertility will never beat me because I just found my loophole ❤ Today I am officially a mommy. 🎀 No matter how long you’re with my little one, whether it’s days, weeks, months, years or forever. You are the one that made me a mommy and I will forever love you for that….

Don’t feel like I’ve forgotten about you <3

Sometimes life just gets so crazy! But I’d like to think that we’ve made big waves in the last two months. Big big waves! Currently I’m about to have my 6th AND FINAL shot of Lupron. I can honestly say that I did it!!! I had my doubts at times but I’m final on the home stretch and it feels amazing. The list of side effects that I’ve had is too much to try and type but my pain has decreased! So now lets see how things go after the shot is out of my system. Fingers are crossed for a pain free lifestyle at least for a little while because the next step is surgery..again. So yes! And I want you all to know that if any point in time that you would like to talk more about my experience on Lupron I’m happy to share! I know that if you are anything like me, I did so much research before I tried the drug and there is so much back and forth online and sometimes you just want to talk to a real person about it instead of random posts on the internet. So I’m here for you! But anyways, enough about that. 

We had our home study walk through last Wednesday so it’s been one week and a day and I’m dying to get that phone call from our worker. I just want to be approved so we can start taking in some kids! I’m so nervous for our first placement but I know that it will all be worth it in the end, we just have to get there. Day by day. The nursery is all set up and just waiting for a little one to put in it. 

Other than that northing totally exciting to post. I’m really looking forward to starting my new chapter of parenthood, it’s not necessarily the path that I would have chose for myself but it’s the path that has chose me so I will follow it with high hopes and my heart in God’s hands and see where it takes my husband and myself.

So here is to the next week going someone quickly because I’m anxiously awaiting this phone call ❤

Sending love and prayers and always baby dust!

❤

So it’s been awhile

So it’s been about 2 months since I last posted, that’s probably not exactly keeping you all updated on things is it? haha 🙂 What can I say, life gets busy and just keeps moving. Plus with the holidays I swear I had no time to do anything!

So last time I posted I told you that I was 10 days into my shot, I am officially on the 3rd shot. It’s not all bad but it’s not all good either. The best part, TMI, is we have been able to have sex……PAIN FREE!!!! That has improved my relationship with my husband more than anything. I feel closer to him on that intimate level and we haven’t felt that in years….On the darker side of things these side effects suck! If there is one I probably have it..No, seriously, if it’s on that list, I think I have it. I have been having the hot flashes, the night sweats, the mood swings, insomnia, bone and joint pain (which is beyond awful), the dizzy spells, the nausea…..do I go on??? It’s awful. But it will all be worth it in the end and if not at least I can say I tried it…

Now on to foster care….we are working on the nursery. That was a very hard step for me to take. My husband is pretty quiet about his feelings so I’m not sure how he is handling it but I know that it is extremely hard for me to set up a room for a baby that may not get to be mine. It’s hard to put together a crib and changing table for the first time with the doubt and uncertainty on what will happen in the end. The worst part is doing it for the first time, I don’t know that this part would be as hard if it was hand me downs from my previous child or children…but none the less we keep moving forward. We officially announced our plans for foster care in december and let the families know that we plan to use this as are way of becoming a family. We plan to adopt as soon as we can and make our family whole. The amount of support we have received from family and friends has been more than I had ever dreamed off. I’m so thankful for all the support and love and the feeling of not having to hide behind that question of “So when do you guys plan to have children?”

I’m working on being a bigger advocate for me and people like me and couples like my husband and myself. Yes we are 1 in 8 and yes infertility breaks you down but it shouldn’t go unnoticed just because it’s an invisible disease. We are all suffering in are own way and we shouldn’t feel ashamed or knocked down because of the way we feel. I’m proud of who I am and I’m proud of my struggles because those struggles are what make me who I am.

My sister in law announced that she is pregnant with #2 a couple days ago, I felt sadness in my heart because I want to be able to announce with my husband to his family and my own that same thing. I want to have those 2 pink solid lines, but you know what? I’m happy for her, I’m happy that she doesn’t have to feel the way that I do or that she doesn’t have to go through my daily pain and struggles. I don’t want to live in the sadness and despair of my heart and because of that I allow myself time to be sad but I also don’t let myself linger in that moment.

I love you all ❤

It will all be worth it in the end…hopefully

Today I’m officially 10 days into the shot. They said the 1st two weeks would be the worst and I’m almost through that part of it. For me ovulation was always the worst time for pain and I can feel that my body is getting ready to ovulate and I am most definitely in some pain. Today has been so painful to do anything. It hurts to pee, it hurts to sit and walk and stand and just live…We tried to have sex (unprotected) for the last time last night. Never thought in all my years of ttc that I would say that we stopped having unprotected sex before I ovulated. Ha. There is always a first for everything I suppose. Anyways, we tried and it was awful. Actually brought tears to my eyes so we had to stop. I truly am hopeful that this Lupron does a damn good job because it’s safe to say my sex life is entirely affected at this point. We rarely have a good day when I can honestly get into it the entire time and not have to stop and readjust or change to a new position because this one isn’t working anymore…..I just want that sexual intimacy back. Yes we can have intimacy without sex but sometimes you just need to have good sex and it’s been too long…

So yes, ten days in and it’s going alright. The pain has increased just like they said it would and the hot flashes come and go as they please which I was expecting. The emotional roller coaster isn’t awful, yet. I am more weepy if anything, occasionally I do find myself far more irritated about some things then I think I would normally be but I am handling it. I would like to say my hubby is also doing a nice job handling it when I cry about something so small. Good job hubby ❤ The forgetfulness comes and goes, I can’t remember something and I stand there looking blank and then I just move on by telling myself it most not have been very important then. Same symptoms so far but we shall see how things continue to go.

As far as foster care goes we met again with the licensing worker on Wednesday morning. She so nice, I’m so thankful for that. We turned in some paperwork, went over some more things and then she sent us home with at least 4x’s the amount of paperwork I just turned in. Like seriously! It’s so much….Extremely overwhelming to say the least. I was able to knock some of it out last night but I think I’ll try to get some more done this weekend. Lots of training packets and just general information we have to read over and a list of some stuff that we have to get around for them to make copies of. So invasive! It will all be worth it in the end! Just getting to the end is feeling like a nightmare.

Weekend plans are exciting! My hubby and I have a fun Friday evening planned and we have been looking forward to it this entire week. Saturday is a day I’m dying for the arrive. My best friend, is finally getting to find out what she’s having. My heart is so excited to finally give them what I’ve been working on. It’s such an amazing time to have such wonderful people to have in our lives. I’m so blessed in so many ways. Yes I have been damned with this label of infertility, however it’s not who I am. I am a mom waiting to be and soon I will officially have a label that I will be proud to own and embrace. I have a wonderfully amazing best friend and I get to be apart of her pregnancy and their little ones life! I am so happy for both of us on our very different but very much the same journeys into motherhood.

As always, I wish you all love and baby dust ❤

So far, okay…

I am officially 5 days into the Lupron shot. So far so good is about all I got. I don’t feel like me right now. It’s hard to explain but I just feel off. Very emotional, mild hot flashes, some pain and forgetful (weird symptom right?). Emotional was to be expected, it’s not as bad as the Clomid made me, however I also haven’t been on it for very long either. Time will tell if it will make me more emotional or not. I really hope not because the Clomid was just awful…. Had my first hot flash on Wednesday night, it came on just like the Clomid hot flashes did. I hate them but again, they’re tolerable. Could be worse I suppose. As for the pain, it’s very uncomfortable. It’s comparable to extremely bad period cramps. You know the ones that make you want to lay in the fetal position with a heating pad on your uterus and sleep all day? Yeah…except right now I have pain and cramping all the time. In the medications defense I did get an email explaining that symptoms such as pain would increase for about the first 2 weeks of treatment and then your estrogen levels would drop substantially and that’s when you would start to get some relief. Let’s just hope that 2 weeks goes by quickly. The forgetfulness is new to me. I’ve never been a very forgetful person. I’m very organized and on top of things so this is very different. I didn’t know that it’s actually a symptom of “real” menopause until I had talked to my Nana about it and she said that she had similar experiences all those years ago. So far I can say that if you have done a few rounds of Clomid this is pretty similar, again I’m only a few days into so I will for sure keep everyone updated on new or worsening symptoms.

Okay…On to a foster care update! The good news!!!!

We officially turned in the application on Tuesday and we got to meet our new licensing worker. She’s extremely nice so I hope that we can build a good relationship with her. We are already scheduled to go tomorrow, Saturday morning, to have our fingerprinting done and to also have a through background check done as well. Once that is all completed we have to get back in contact with our worker on when to meet up and get her that paperwork. So far so good! We are very excited and we even got the change to make a public announcement with our family and friends about it. I think I’ve mentioned before that my best friend is a wonderful photographer so she did a little photo shoot for us to be able to make this announcement special. We may never have children biologically but this doesn’t mean we can’t still be parents!

 

So those are our announcement photos! I hope you enjoy them as much as we do and I also hope that you all have a wonderful weekend!

As always, sending love and baby dust ❤

All the changes!

So insurance approved the Lupron, I was able to pick it up from the pharmacy last night. Now to just wait until Aunt Flow arrives for the month and then we get to start injections. I joined a FP page to talk to other women about there personal experiences on it and how they handled the side effects. Most of them said that the hot flashes and night sweats are the worst but I’m hoping that after going through Clomid treatments that I can handle that. The one thing that feels weird is having to use contraceptives, we have to actually use condoms! How’s that for weird after trying for the last 3 and a half years? And let me tell you, the hubs is not happy that he has to use them HAHA!

We have more news though!!!! We took the first step in becoming licensed foster parents on Friday!!! We did the orientation and now we have to fill out the application but we have started the process and we’re so excited! We talked and talked and talked about it but we know we can’t afford to adopt an infant and we want so badly to become parents so if this the only way we can do it then this is what we’re doing! We hope to give a permanent home to a baby who can’t stay with their parents anymore.

And lastly I feel that I should add that we moved! We are in our own small place out in the country and the peacefulness of it all is worth the extra drive.

So two big things are happening in our lives, one for starting these treatments and two for becoming parents, even if it’s an unconventional way!

Wish us luck on our journey! And as always love and baby dust to you all ❤

Quick update for the night…

Super tired but thought I would let my followers know that the appointment went well today. We are all systems go to start the Lupron, Doctor thinks I’m a great candidate. As soon as we hear back from the insurance company about the pre-op I will be starting. She wants to start as soon as my next period so hopefully they don’t take their sweet ass time approving me. Aunty Flow should be here in about two weeks. Fx for everything to go as planned and hopefully for some pain to go away in the process!

❤

Sacrifices to my uterus…

I’m getting close to the in-between time of the month. You know, the time where normal people ovulate and have babies? Yeahhhh….well my time is calculated by pain and the reminder that I have a broken body and it won’t make babies. You know the problem with trying to not think about having babies, or take a break as I have put it before? IT DOESN’T WORK!!!! Everywhere you go, everything you do and everyone you see is a constant reminder of your inability to make babies. Not to mention, twice a month I have a painful reminder that my insides are fucking broken…. So here we are, I’m getting ready to ovulate. I know this not because I’m testing but because my broken ass body makes me feel it, before, during and not to mention a little afterwords as well. And then of course in about two weeks I will feel it all over again to remind me that I definitely didn’t conceive this month, and give me a hellish period, and then we will start the process all over again…and again………and yet again……….

The best comfort I get from all of this is ice cream, pain killers, and sweat pants…AKA my sacrifices to my uterus. The two times a cycle that I do whatever the fuck I want and eat whatever the fuck I want and I usually cry like hell. The unfortunate part of all this is I have lost all of my motivation to go the gym, I did lose 20 pounds a few months ago but I’ve gained it all back. I have no motivation because I feel like I’m getting worse. I finally go see the doctor Monday. I’m really hoping that we can get the ball rolling on these injections. I just want to get it started so that I can get some relief. I joined an online FB group for Endo. I reached out and asked some ladies about their personal experiences with Lupron. I really do think it’s the best choice for me at this point. I do so badly hope to have kids one day. So without removing my parts to make that happen, I don’t have a whole lot of other options. It’s sad that we don’t have more options but at this point I will take whatever I can get.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend with your loves and I will keep you posted on what the doctor says Monday. Wish me luck, as always sending baby dust to you all..

❤